Mechanic makes the world's lowest camper van by cutting VW to just 3ft high

An automotive mechanic has driven into the record books - by building the world's lowest van.

Andy Saunders converted a 7ft 8ins high VW Camper into a 3.3ft high version - in just three days.

The 1980 Type 25 camper had 70,000 miles on the clock when Saunders and three friends transformed it.

Madcap: Andy Saunders has built the worlds lowest camper van

The steering had to be lowered and moved to a central position and all the systems altered to make it work.

There are two seats behind the driving position, it is fully road worthy and Saunders believes it could get into car parks by driving under the barrier.

Although it is possible to sleep in the back, the height of the roof could cause claustrophobia.

With a top speed of 80mph the bizarre camper turns heads when Saunders drives it around his home town of Poole in Dorset.

Saunders, 45, who bought the van for �1,000, said: "The challenge was to build the world's lowest van in just three days.

Despite being only one metre high the squashed VW camper is still fully road legal

"We did it in front of an audience at the Bug Jam VW festival in Northamptonshire.

"We were up at 6am and worked for three full days - it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

"The biggest problem was the roof because when we cut a big chunk out there was a 14ins difference because of the tapering.

"Then we had to move the steering into a central position and put in a new steering system.

"We lowered the seat, moved the handbrake and the gear stick and replaced the fuel tank.

"It is roadworthy, does about 80mph and you could throw mattress in the back and sleep in it.

"We've applied to the Guinness Book of Records and they've indicated this is the world's lowest van.

"At the Bug Jam we had an audience for every moment we were working on it and buy the end there were 1,000 people watching."

Man accidentally ejected himself from plane

The South Africa Air Force aerobatic team, the Silver Falcons. A passenger flying with one of the pilots accidentally ejected himself from the plane but survived. Photograph: Alexander Joe/AFP/Getty Images

It probably is best not to fiddle with switches or controls when riding in the back seat of an air force plane.

A man who failed to obey that principle found himself hurtling out of the cockpit, smashing through the Perspex canopy and into space after grabbing the black- and yellow-striped handle between his legs. He had inadvertently pulled the eject lever and found himself blasted 100 metres into the sky on his rocket-powered seat.

The South African air force has confirmed the incident that took place last Wednesday, when the passenger took off for a flight with an experienced pilot from South Africa's Silver Falcons air display team. Investigators are assuming that the passenger tried to steady himself while the pilot was putting the Pilatus PC-7 Mk II through its paces by grabbing the eject lever.

"Much of the information has yet to be tested, but it is confirmed that a civilian passenger unintentionally ejected from a Silver Falcons Pilatus PC-7 Mk II Astra during a general flying sortie out of Langebaanweg air force base this week," a South African air force spokesman said. "The passenger was recovered [by helicopter] unharmed, and returned to Langebaanweg. The aircraft landed safely."

The spokesman said the flight had been cleared and all procedures adhered to "prior to the passenger boarding the aircraft", making it unlikely charges would follow.

A retired SAAF instructor pilot said the passenger was extremely lucky to have survived the ejection with barely a scratch.

"We train for this and if you don't get it right, and are not in the correct ejection posture, you can sustain severe spinal cord injuries or even worse," he told South Africa's Sunday Times.

He discounted the possibility that the seat fired of its own accord, as too many safety features were built into the system.

"All it takes is for the firing handle [the rubbery black- and yellow-striped loop] to be pulled up about 2.5cm and you're on your way out."

He said the ejection would have been dramatic. "You get one almighty kick under the backside and then you're gone. The seat separates from the pilot automatically and the chute opens," he said. "This is in case the pilot is incapacitated during the ejection."

Passengers would have been briefed on the ejection sequence and warned that the "loop" between his legs was not to be touched unless the pilot called "Eject, eject, eject" during the flight. Such a briefing is done routinely, even when two qualified pilots are involved in the flight. It is likely the rear cockpit was extensively damaged by the firing of the cartridges and rockets during the ejection.

The Silver Falcons are the SAAF's aerobatic team that perform precision formation and aerobatics displays at airshows around the country. The five pilots are all serving instructors at Central Flying School, Langebaanweg.

As one observer said: "What a trip. That guy took off in an Astra, came down in a parachute, and landed back at base in a helicopter. Not bad for a for a single flip."

JOKE: Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin

Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

CAUGHT IN THE ACT

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that.... then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on... as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand, but....so consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the click of the light switch... the power was back on...

Check Out This Guy's Dinghy

When you have a personal fortune of �11.7billion, you can perhaps be forgiven for feeling the need for protection.

In Roman Abramovich's case, the solution is to order an armour-plated mega-yacht with missile detection system to offer early warning of attack by pirates or terrorists.

At 550ft long, the vessel, costing more than �200million, will be the largest private yacht ever constructed.

Enlarge

A �200m floating fortress: An artist's impression of the new yacht displays its impressive size and defence capabilities

It is being built secretly at the shipyard in Germany which produced the World War II battleship the Bismarck.

The yacht will include radar equipment designed to warn the crew of incoming rockets, together with bullet-proof windows and armour plating on the bridge and around the 41-year-old Russian tycoon's cabin.

There will be twin helicopter pads and anti-bugging equipment, while the crew of 70 will include former SAS and Special Boat Service personnel.

If intruders make it on board the Eclipse, named because it is intended to overshadow all other private boats, Abramovich and his girlfriend Daria Zhukova, 26, could escape in a yellow submarine which can dive to 160ft.

Roman Abramovich and Daria Zhukova: The tycoon is not taking any chances against pirates and other potential attackers at sea

The tycoon's other yachts - the 377ft Pelorus, 282ft Ecstasea and 160ft Sussurro - are not believed to have missile defence systems or submarines.

And with a growing number of pirates operating in the world's oceans, the Chelsea Football (soccer) Club owner does not want to take any chances.

Should he decide to sail to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, he will be prepared for an attack by gangs such as the Somali pirates who seized a Ukrainian cargo ship loaded with Russian tanks before demanding a large ransom less than a fortnight ago.

According to the International Maritime Bureau, pirates attacked 269 vessels last year, took nearly 300 hostages and killed five people.

Even the Mediterranean, where Abramovich usually keeps his yachts, is becoming less safe.

The 377ft Pelorus will soon be playing second fiddle to Abramovich's newest ship - the 550ft Eclipse

In August, a gang boarded a �20million yacht off Corsica and robbed guests and crew of �100,000.

Under maritime law, non-naval ships are banned from carrying firearms. Some yacht owners are adopting high-powered water cannon, earsplitting klaxons and lubricant foam intended to make boarders slip.

Diane Byrne, editor of Power and Motoryacht News, said pirates and terrorists were an increasing worry for private yacht owners.

'Piracy isn't a problem limited to Somalia,' she said. 'It can and unfortunately does happen around the world.'

Abramovich's yacht will also have cabins for 24 guests as well as a cinema, aquarium, disco and hospital.

Is This Guy Trying To Tell Us Something?

The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.

*HOW TO DEAL WITH A JACKASS*

An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone who could make his horse laugh. Only one man was up for the challenge and he took the horse into a room and when he brought the horse out it was laughing so hard it pissed on the floor. The owner said he'd give another hundred dollars if the man could make the horse cry. The man took the horse into the same room and when he brought it out, the horse was crying a river.

"How did you do it?" asked the owner.

"Well," the man replied, "to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him."

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

JOKE: 12 Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached t o his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

and all the other bells started to ring.

BROHEMIAN RHAPSODY performed by COLLEGE HUMOR

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