JOKE: Spreading the Wealth

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

(this here ain't the actual device)

VIDEO: Kodak Aromatography

Rats would rather starve than eat healthy food

Adding fuel to the idea that junk food is like crack, scientists at Scripps Florida say rats fed high-calorie junk food became addicted to the food and voluntarily starved when given healthy food instead.

Scripps Florida scientists Paul Kenny and Paul Johnson have said that junk food changed the rats' brain chemistry in the same way that chronic cocaine use alters an addicts brain functions.

In the experiment, one group of rats was given healthy, nutritionally balanced food. A different group was given "unlimited access to the worst stuff Johnson could find at the supermarket including bacon, sausage, cheesecake, pound cake, Ding Dongs and frosting."

The junk food group gained weight and became less active. "More surprisingly, the fat rats exhibited the sort of self-destructive behaviour associated with human junkies. The rats would eat junk food even if they knew doing so would result in a mild but distinctly uncomfortable electrical shock to their feet."

The scientists then replaced the unhealthy food with the healthy diet of the first group of rats, and the fat rats refused to eat at all.

Junk food alters the brain's chemistry by releasing dopamine that would normally be released when having sex, snorting cocaine or eating a rich dessert, say the scientists. The junk food-addicted rats learned that the easiest way to experience pleasure was by eating high-calorie, high-fat food. Kenny and Johnson hope the results of the study can help people learn to deal with food addictions.

Drunk man found inside engine of Indian Airlines Jet

AN ALLEGEDLY drunk man was found in a commercial jet engine as it was being prepared for take-off.
The man was only spotted when an engineering and security team member saw a leg dangling from the rear of the engine.

Rubbing his eye in disbelief and after checking again to make sure it wasn't a delusion, he informed others, who then rushed to the engine.

Indira Gandhi International Airport in Delhi, India, confirmed it was the first of its kind incident.

The plane, an Indian Airlines Airbus A-320, was being prepared for its first flight of the day two hours before scheduled departure to Raipur, The Times of India reported.

The young man was quizzed by the airline security and said he entered the airport in a truck.

He walked into the operational area and being sleepy, chose the engine as his bed for the night.

JOKE: One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

It Was a Damned Tough Day Down at the Mine ..Apparently

UPDATE: St. Paul man says quad amputee girlfriend hit him first

A St. Paul man charged with beating up a quadruple amputee last week admitted Monday that he hit the woman, but only after she hit him first.

A criminal complaint filed in Ramsey County District Court said Jacoby Laquan Smith got angry at his girlfriend, Tiesha Bell, because she blocked his view of the television in their East Side apartment. He threw Bell to the floor and punched her in the face more than 10 times in the March 22 incident, according to the criminal complaint.

But in a telephone interview, Smith, 33, said the dispute with Bell, 28, started with an argument over whether she was seeing another man.

"I had been dealing with her cheating on me," Smith said.

Smith said the argument escalated after "I turned on the TV and she got mad."

"She punched me in the groin," Smith said. He said Bell also hit him with a coffee canister and a bedpan.

"It was full of pee," he said.

In response, Smith said, "I hit her once and that was it. Maybe twice."

Although Bell had both hands and part of both legs amputated because of a childhood illness, Smith said, she can still be violent when she loses her temper.

"She'll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs," Smith said. He said she also hit him with her wheelchair.

Bell agreed Monday that there was hitting on both sides. She said she plans to marry Smith and doesn't want him to serve jail time.

"We both need anger management," she said.

Smith has been charged with fifth-degree assault, a misdemeanor, and interfering with a 911 call, a gross misdemeanor. He said he plans to turn himself in to St. Paul police later this week.

Dubai Briton faces jail over 'middle finger salute'

A British expatriate in Dubai is facing jail and deportation after being accused of making a single-finger gesture in an argument. Simon Andrews, 56, has had his passport confiscated for almost eight months while waiting for his case to be heard.
He told Dubai Court of Misdemeanours he denies "flipping the finger" at Mahmoud Rasheed, an Iraqi aviation student, during an argument. He will appear in court on Sunday for a full hearing of the case.


Mr Andrews has said Mr Rasheed, who has not yet appeared in court to give evidence, is mistaken and no finger was raised. At a court hearing on Sunday, he asked for the passport put up as bail surety for him by a friend to be returned as the friend had to go abroad for work.
He was told to provide another passport in its place. His own passport has also been confiscated, preventing him leaving Dubai before the case is heard. Making insulting gestures is regarded as unacceptable, and carries with it the possibility of a jail sentence of up to six months and deportation.

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

April 1 2010 Press Release

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Don Novello

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.

JOKE: The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."