VIDEO: Woman Steals Police Cruiser

JOKE: Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for 6 days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, see what I've made?" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I am going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I have placed a continent of white people and over there, a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be bitterly cold and covered with ice," God explained. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a place..."What's that?" "Ah," said God. "That's Minnesota, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite shoreline along the Great Lakes. The people from Minnesota are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous. They are going to travel the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving, and they will be known around the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I am also going to give them an undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about Balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!" God replied, "Wait 'til you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Wisconsin!"

GOT CAPTION? 8/22

NOW THIS IS A BIG BABY!

Chinese baby weighs as much as six-year-old

A ten-month-old Chinese boy has been nicknamed the 'Michelin Baby' after weighing in at an incredible 20kg (44 lbs) the average weight of a six-year-old.

Lei Lei was born a normal size but started rapidly putting on weight after developing a ravenous appetite.

Lei Lei's favourite thing to do is to eat, his mother Cheng Qingyu said. "No matter whatever he grabs, he unconsciously puts it in his mouth."

Doctors in southern China's Hunan province are now testing the baby to see if there is a medical reason behind his weight gain.

Otters Playing with Little Girl

HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK YET?

Animal Shelter Employee Eats Pet Pig

Bay County Florida officials are investigating an animal control employee who apparently did not follow proper shelter procedures. He reportedly took home a pig that had been surrendered to the facility, butchered it, then ate it. Animal lovers are outraged, while county officials are embarrassed and looking for answers.

Bay County officials are trying to find out how a pig, nicknamed "Fluffy" by animal shelter workers, wound up as dinner for one of their co-workers. The pig's owners turned it over to the shelter about 2 months ago. The official paperwork says the pig had some behavioral problems. Over the next 8 days, 2 people expressed interest in adopting "Fluffy." But they never got the chance.

On June 17th, shelter officials say an employee named Ivan Rogers took the pig home himself. "He slaughtered it, I hope humanely, I can't even think about that. But he slaughtered it and cut it up and ate it. It trusted everybody, it would oink at everybody and smile, kinda like Charlotte's Web, little pig. This shouldn't have happened," said Terry Watts, who rescues dogs and has volunteered at the shelter in the past.

"When people take their animals to Bay County Animal Control they expect that they will be treated humanely and re-homed if they can be. And if they can't be, they expect them to be humanely euthanized at the facility. That certainly is our expectation and we don't find any thing other than that acceptable," said Valerie Lovett, the Bay County Public Information Officer.

Although the pig was killed in June, the incident report wasn't issued until August 6th. "Part of the reason we are investigating the situation is to determine exactly what the timeline was and should people in management have been made aware of this situation sooner than they were made aware," said Lovett.

"The animal control facility does so much good in this community. They take in thousands and thousands of animals that aren't wanted and they make every effort that they can to re-home them. It's a very difficult job, a very difficult situation, and we are going to fully investigate this.

But the investigation won't bring "Fluffy" back. "I don't understand how people can do that. Look it in the face and kill it and then eat it. It broke my heart that someone could be that hideous."

County officials say Rogers has been reprimanded, but is still working at the animal shelter.

Parents take out ad in paper for teen's punishment of breaking curfew

When 16-year-old Kirstin Rausch broke her curfew, she knew there would be consequences.

But she didn't expect an ad with her picture in the Southlake Texas Journal, offering her free service as a baby sitter to make amends.

Rausch's parents are requiring her to complete 30 hours of free baby-sitting for breaking a cardinal family rule.

"I was embarrassed," she said, after seeing the ad. "I had no idea they had done that."

Rausch, a member of the National Honor Society at Carroll Senior High School, doesn't break many rules. But a few weeks ago, she had a group of friends over late at night, after her family went to sleep. When she got caught, she knew she was in big trouble.

The ad, made to sound as if Rausch had written it herself, states that "my pain is your gain" and implores parents needing a sitter to call to reserve a spot.

Wendy Rausch, Kirstin's stepmother, said the ad was Plan B after a request to different organizations for a 30-hour community service project went unfilled.

"We wanted her to make it up with community service," Wendy Rausch said. "My husband got the idea from a situation he encountered at work that people like free labor."

To prevent a dangerous situation for Kirstin, the Rausches are screening requests from callers. By last weekend, she had already completed nearly half of the 30 hours.

Kirstin Rausch said she hasn't minded the baby-sitting duties, particularly since she has lucked into dealing with kids aged 6 to 10 rather than babies and toddlers.

Joanne Reding, a neighbor of the Rausch family, said having a baby sitter allowed her to attend a weekend meeting that she probably would have had to miss. Her 15-year-old son, who normally watches his 11-year-old brother, was away over the weekend.

"I think this is a great idea," Reding said. "What she did was very serious, and I admire her parents for calling her on it."

GOT CAPTION? 8/21

JOKE: WEDDING NIGHT SPOOF

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised a real dozy.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS,

"We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback, but I'M GOING TO KILL THE BASTARD WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!!!"