JOKE: I Need a Raise!

"Boss, you know I've been with you over ten years now. I won't beat around the bush. I need a raise. I have four companies after me, but I decided to talk with you first." "A raise, Tompkins? I'd love to give you a raise, but this is a bad time." "I know this economic downturn has been tough on sales, boss, but consider my hard work and loyalty to this company." "Well, that's true, Tompkins. And I'd hate to start a brain drain.... How about a 10% raise plus five more vacation days?" "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" "Before you go Tompkins, just out of curiosity, may I ask exactly which companies were after you?" "Oh, the electric company, the gas company, the water company, and the mortgage company!"

�� Got Caption ?? 9/28

Segway company owner rides scooter off a cliff

A British businessman, who bought the Segway company less than a year ago, died after riding one of the scooters off a cliff and into a river near his Yorkshire estate.

Jim Heselden acquired the Segway company from its U.S. inventor Dean Kamen in December 2009.

According to the British media, Heselden, 62, plunged into the River Wharfe while riding a rugged country version of the two-wheeled transporter on Sunday.

"Police were called at 11.40 a.m. yesterday to reports of a man in the River Wharfe, apparently having fallen from the cliffs above," a spokesman told The Daily Mail.

A Segway was recovered from the scene. "At this time we do not believe the death to be suspicious," the spokesman added.

Coach knocks out female gymnast with trophy

Pot Plants Stolen From Police Chief's Truck

PALMYRA, Wis. -- The Palmyra police chief said a woman stole marijuana from the back of his truck.

Police said the plants were in Chief Charles Warren's truck after he helped officers remove them from an elderly man's field.

Warren said his patrol car was being serviced, so he was using his truck for work.

"A couple of my officers called me and said, 'Look, the plants - 89 plants - are too big to put in the cruiser,'" Warren said.

He parked it outside a high school football practice where he was coaching after he picked up the pot.

From the football field, he saw a woman taking plants from the back of his truck and watched a man pull up with a trailer.

"I'm thinking, 'Are they going to take the stuff out of my truck and put it in the trailer?' That's when I saw her moving toward the vehicle. That's when I saw her moving toward the truck. And she saw me, and they took off and I said, 'OK, game on,'" Warren said.

The woman was cited for possession. Police said she was the mother of one of the football players.

Coach Moons Crowd after NYC H.S. Game Ends in Forfeit

A wild brawl erupted at a high school football game in Queens on Saturday, when an assistant coach of the Boys and Girls High School team dropped his pants and 'mooned' the opposing team's sideline, the New York Daily News reports.

The impetus starting the melee was a controversial call in the final minutes of the division championship battle in Cambria Heights between Campus Magnet and Boys and Girls High School.

With minutes remaining in the game, Campus Magnet scored a touchdown that extended their lead to 14-6. On the ensuing 2-point conversion attempt, running back Raewshawn Lewis of Campus Magnet was apparently stripped of the ball as he crossed the goal line. The Boys and Girls High School coaches claimed he fumbled the ball before crossing the plane of the goal line. After the referees gathered for quite a while -- causing a long delay in play -- they finally ruled that Lewis did in fact break the plane, and awarded the two points to Campus Magnet.

This is when all hell broke loose and the coaches of the Boys and Girls football team went ballistic.

They charged onto the field in a raging manner to argue the call with game officials. The coaches of the Boys and Girls team started cussing wildly at the referees, forcing school safety officers to step in. The coaches then got into a heated shoving match with the safety officers before the game was called with 3:49 left in the fourth quarter due to unsportsmanlike conduct on the Boys and Girls side, giving Campus Magnet the premature 16-6 victory.

Fans from Campus Magnet side continued to heckle the Boys and Girls coaches after the call, according to witnesses at the game.

That is when the Boys and Girls assistant coach pulled his pants down and distastefully revealed his rear end to the Campus Magnet crowd.

The Daily News piece also noted that, "A spokeswoman for the Department of Education said Boys and Girls Principal Bernard Gassaway vowed to fire the shameless assistant."

PSAL Commissioner Alan Arbuse noted that the league will review the game's actions to determine proper implications stemming from the incident.

The high-school players seemed to act like the adults during Saturday's game; while the adult coaches acted like children during the waning moments of the game.

In the Daily News article, Arbuse praised players on both sides. "Both benches, especially the Boys and Girls kids, acted like gentlemen."

Montana woman fends off bear attack with zucchini

FRENCHTOWN, Mont. — Police say a Montana woman fended off a bear attack with an unlikely weapon — a zucchini.
Missoula County Sheriff's Lt. Rich Maricelli says a 200-pound black bear attacked one of the woman's dogs just after midnight Wednesday on the back porch of her home about 15 miles west of Missoula.
When the woman, whom police did not name, tried to separate the animals, the bear bit her in the leg.
Maricelli says the woman reached for the nearest object at hand on the porch's railing — a large zucchini that she had harvested from her garden.
The woman flung the vegetable at the bear, striking it and forcing it to flee.
Maricelli says the woman did not need medical attention. Wildlife officials were trying to locate the bear on Thursday.

US Navy pilots grounded after video shows them dunking $33m helicopters in lake

The U.S. Navy has launched an investigation after video showing two pilots dunking a pair of $33million MH-60 Romeo helicopters into a lake was posted online. The video - taken by a stunned tourist at Lake Tahoe- shows the two helicopters skimming the surface of the water. One appears to lose control, spinning and crashing into the water in a near-disaster. But the pilot quickly regains control, pulling the aircraft from the water back into the air.
They were forced to land at a nearby airport to be repaired. The damage to the state-of-the-art machines - the Navy's newest helicopter - is estimated at between $50,000 and $500,000, according to local reports. The Navy has confirmed that the footage is genuine. The helicopters were from North Island's Helicopter Maritime Strike 41 squadron. Navy spokesman Lieutenant Aaron Kakiel said that though the footage only captures one helicopter crashing, both actually hit the water as they did not have enough hovering power to hold their position.

Now an investigation has been launched into the entire September 13th flight. The Navy would not identify the pilots or say whether they were supposed to be hovering over Lake Tahoe. A spokesman did say that the lake is not a normal training area for Navy pilots. They have been grounded until the investigation is concluded. Depending on the outcome, they could lose their flying qualifications.
Retired Navy jet pilot Steve Diamond said that there may have been more to the incident than meets the eye. 'Somebody has to be a total moron to do it in total view of tourists and in a recreational area, when everyone has a camera these days,' Diamond, who retired in 2002, he said. 'We don’t really have morons flying naval aircraft, it’s possible they were troubleshooting a problem, you don’t know... It’s easy to make a snap judgment, but there are other possibilities.'

Billboard Error Creates Pubic Embarrassment

If you ever wondered how much difference just one letter can make when it comes to a message, ask the thousands of people who drove by a digital billboard near the intersection of Ironwood and Indiana 23 between Thursday and Monday morning.
The ad urged people to go to the “southbendon.com” website for a look at the “15 best things about our pubic schools.” That’s right, the billboard said “pubic” instead of “public” schools. The letter “L” had been left out of the word public.
Lee MacMillan, of South Bend,Indiana said his wife spotted the error on Saturday while sitting in traffic.

“She got home and said, ‘I can’t believe it said what I think it said,’æ” MacMillan recalls.
“So we were out driving around yesterday and sure enough, it had that typo in it. So we took a picture and the rest is history, as they say,” MacMillan adds.
MacMillan posted the picture he took on Facebook. He also e-mailed it to his neighbor, South Bend School Superintendent Jim Kapsa.
Responsibility for the spelling error has been claimed by the Blue Waters Group. The company does work for the city of South Bend’s redevelopment commission to promote the city.
“I feel terrible. It’s a mistake we made, and we’re guilty of it, and responsible for it, and we take full responsibility for the error,” said Patrick Strickler, president of the Blue Waters Group.
“Four people looked at it, eyeballed it and didn’t see the mistake, and those people all work for me,” Strickler explained. “We take responsibility for it. We simply blew it. We did not see the missing ‘L.’
He said he became aware of the problem Monday morning.
“We jumped on it, and immediately had it taken down by Burkhart. They took it out of rotation and began to repair it,” Strickler said.
“We’re the ones who made the mistake, not the city or the school,” Strickler emphasized.
As of late afternoon on Monday, a representative from the Blue Waters Group indicated the content of the billboard had been fixed and the digital message was up and running again.

JOKE: Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come to a clearing and see an abandoned well.

Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'

O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.

Murphy says, 'What's that?'

O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.

Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '

SPLASH!!!!

Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'

O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'

'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.

As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.

Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'

O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'

The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'

Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'

And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'