Wednesday, January 4, 2012

JOKE: RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE



Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car: The Clitaurus.

The car comes in pink, with fur* on the dash.

*Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

VIDEO: Ultimate Insanity..Motorcycle and Snowmobile Jump Over 375 Feet


Texas Lawyer Ran 113 Marathons in 2011

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R. Laurence Macon didn't win Saturday's New Year's Double Marathon in the Dallas suburb of Allen. He didn't even come in second.

A marathon is 26 miles 385 yards.

But the prominent San Antonio trial lawyer hopes that he won something else: a new world record. The race was the 113rd certified marathon that Macon completed in 2011, he said. And he did it on his 67th birthday.

"It's a great birthday gift," Macon told Reuters after completing the course.

The current record for the most marathons completed in one year by a male runner is 106, according to the Guinness World Records website. South Korea's IM Chae Ho set that record in 2009 and Macon matched it in 2010, the site says.

"If Larry did complete the 113 marathons and sends in required documentation for our records management team to review, he will have broken the current record," Sara Wilcox, a Guinness public relations and marketing assistant, told Reuters in an e-mail on Tuesday.

Macon, a partner with the law firm Akin Gump Strauss Hauer and Feld who has collected hundreds of millions of dollars in damages in lawsuits, said he sometimes does business while running marathons.

Once, he said, he conducted a conference call regarding a multimillion-dollar civil case while running in the Boston Marathon.

"The opposing counsel doesn't seem to be bothered by my heavy breathing," he told Reuters.

Macon, who said he is in "lousy" physical shape for 67, said he just "goes out there and puts one foot in front of the other" and doesn't attempt speed records. In fact, he said his fastest marathon time is four hours, 45 minutes -- twice the usual winning time.

It is not unusual for him to run seven marathons in a week. He said that in February, for example, he ran a marathon in South Carolina, ran another the following day in Maryland, and a third the day after that in California. Each time after crossing the finish line, he drove to the airport, he said.

"I generally change clothes in the car," he said.

Macon, who didn't start running until age 49, estimates he has run 2,938 miles in marathons this year, gone through 12 pairs of shoes and logged 200,000 miles in the air.

"I was talking to some other lawyers at the county courthouse," he said. "I bragged that I was planning on running a marathon, and the other lawyers said, 'Why don't we throw you a party after you finish it?' So I was stuck."

He said that while his marathon career may have some people convinced that he's crazy, he hopes it inspires other middle-aged people to "get some exercise and have some fun."

"I have left specific instructions that if I die on the course, my friends are supposed to drag my body down the rest of the course and across the finish line," he said. "And then lie about the results."

VIDEO: Eating Contest..Bear vs. Man

VIDEO: Cat and Rat..Sharing Milk..Well Sort of

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

JOKE: The Beautiful Butt

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There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll.

He brought her back to the States and they were very happy.

He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."

Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt."

So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt."

A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's.

Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

Quickly sitting up he exclaims, "Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?"

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Salma Hayek knighted in France; Controversy and comedy follow

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If one of Salma Hayek's New Year's resolutions was to get knighted, she can knock this item off her list. On Jan. 1, the actress was named a Knight of the Legion of Honor by French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

This completely strange news doesn't come without a bit of controversy either. Hayek's husband, Francois-Henri Pinault, is the billionaire CEO of PPR, the French company that owns Gucci and Yves St. Laurent. Some believe that Sarkozy is knighting Hayek entirely for political reasons.

Napoleon Bonaparte created the merit award in 1802 to honor military and civilian service in France. The actual knighting ceremony won't be until later this year.

Hayek's award is certainly going to be fodder for the late night talk show circuit. But even in advance of that, comics are already weighing in.

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Comedienne Kathy Griffin writes on Twitter, "Just heard Salma Hayek will get a knighthood from France. Not sure if it's going 2 her left breast or right breast."

VIDEO: Massachusetts Lt. Gov Was Driving 108 MPH Asleep Without Seatbelt Before Crash

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Massachusetts State Police have concluded that Lieutenant Governor Timothy P. Murray was probably asleep at the wheel when he crashed a Ford Crown Victoria while going over 100 mph. Although he was not wearing a seatbelt, he amazingly escaped injury.

Although the accident was initially blamed on icy conditions, and police declined to state a definitive cause for the crash, further analysis supports the theory that Murray had fallen asleep. The onboard "black box" data recorder from the state-owned Crown Vic indicated that Murray gradually accelerated from about 75 to 108 mph immediately before the crash occurred around 5:30 AM on November 2, and slid off the road without corrective actions. The car drove into a rock ledge at 92 mph and and flipped twice.

Murray was issued a $555 ticket but will not face further charges. By any reasonable standard he got off lucky; driving drowsy and unbelted is all but asking for a world of pain or a quick death.

Cop fired for driving 143 mph while drunk wants job back

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In a late bid for 2011's award for Most Brazen Act of Chutzpah, a Denver cop who was kicked off the force for doing 143 mph in a 55 zone while intoxicated is appealing his dismissal on grounds that the penalty was too harsh.

Derrick Curtis Saunders was arrested on June 17, 2010, for his high-speed run caught by a Colorado State trooper in Arapahoe County. As if doing eighty-eight over the limit (at night, in a friend's car, with a passenger) wasn't bad enough, he blew a 0.089 blood-alcohol level; Colorado's legal limit is 0.08.

Saunders plead guilty to reckless and impaired driving charges, served a five-day jail sentence, paid a fine, did a hundred hours of community service, and was fired by Manager of Safety Alex Martinez on December 7. He is now contesting that termination.

The appeal has been filed by the Denver Police Protective Association, and claims that the pink slip is, in part, "disproportionate to the offenses alleged and/or is excessive so as to be punitive rather than corrective in nature."

Keep in mind that in 2009, Saunders was also charged with, tried and acquitted of waving his gun at the counter crew at a McDonald's after he allegedly grew impatient waiting for his order.

So, you know, there's that too.

VIDEO: 41-Car Pileup Closes Snowy Kentucky Highway

A snowstorm caused a 41-car pileup on a Kentucky highway Monday that sent six people with injuries to hospitals.

Cars were sliding on the slippery interstate road near Dry Ridge and drivers complained that they didn't have much visibility on Monday afternoon when the crippling chain reaction occurred, The Courier-Journal reports.

Witnesses said the first car flipped in the snow and another vehicle soon slammed into it, starting a series of unavoidable smashes that tangled the highway. Cars were spun sideways and came to a halt on the side of the road.

Officials shut Interstate 75 to clear the roadway for several hours. A commuter bus from Northern Kentucky was sent to transport people who's car were badly damaged, according to NKY.com. Police said 23 vehicles were towed from the pileup, according to WDRB..

Some reports said as many eight people were treated for non-life threatening injuries, The Associated Press says.

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