JOKE: TRUE CONFESSIONS

Little Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.. "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl's private parts."

"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa, that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water."

So little Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says,"Move over, pal. I gotta gargle."

GOT CAPTION? 8/3

GOT CAPTION? 8/3 v.2.0

GOT CAPTION? 8/3 v.3.0

Vermont man arrested after crushing five police cruisers with giant tractor

A Vermont farmer, apparently unhappy with his arrest last month, crushed five police cruisers parked at a police station with a giant tractor on Thursday.

The man, 34-year-old Roger Pion, was arrested by Newport police two miles away after he abandoned the red tractor and attempted to flee on foot. According to the Burlington Free Press, at least eight police vehicles, included an unmarked car and transport van, sustained damage.

"It's more than half our fleet," Phil Brooks, Orleans County sheriff's deputy, told the Burlington Free Press. "We have 11 cars.""

According to Burlington's WCAX-TV, there were no injuries. According to the Newport Express, the tractor weighed approximately 15 tons.

Pion was arrested on July 3 for marijuana possession and resisting arrest.

Vermont state police and the U.S. Border Patrol are assisting in the investigation. Newport, Vt., is approximately five miles from the Canadian border.

JOKE: The 115 Year Old Father

A reporter was dispatched to interview a man celebrating his 115th birthday. He noticed the yard was full of children of all ages. "Are these your great-grandchildren?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, they're my younguns," replied the old man with a sly grin.

"Your children?" exclaimed the reporter as a beautiful 19-year-old woman brought them tea. "And is this another of your children?"

"Naw, she's my wife."

"Your wife? Why, she can't be more than 19!"

"That's right," said the old man, with pride.

"At your age, you couldn't have sex with a 19-year-old."

"Why not? We have sex every night. And every time, I have a couple of my sons help me on and then, a couple of hours later, I have six of my sons help me off."

"Wait one minute. It takes two sons to put you on, but six sons to take you off? Why six?"

The spry old guy balled up his fists and said, "Cuz I fights 'em!"

GOT CAPTION? 8/2

GOT CAPTION? 8/2 v. 2.0

GOT CAPTION? 8/2 v. 3.0

VIDEO: CHIMP GIVES INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO OPEN HIS CAGE