JOKE: Laws of Cat Physics

 1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 

5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 

7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 

10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 

19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 

21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 

24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 

25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

JOKE: Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment," inquired the first fellow? "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

JOKE: Harold's first day in the car pool

It was Harold's first day in the car pool. He came running out and got about halfway down the walk, when he heard his wife growl behind him. He ran back up the steps, spread her bathrobe, bent over, kissed her down there, ran back down the walk, and hopped in the car. After a few seconds of silence, Walter just had to ask, "Harold, it may be none of my business, but why'd you kiss her like that?" Harold said, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"

JOKE: A scruffy bum applied for a job as a wine taster

A scruffy bum applied for the position of wine taster at an exclusive winery. Unable to devise a way to get rid of the bum, the owner decided to test him. He tasted the first glass of wine and pronounced, "It's a red wine, a nice muscat, three years old, grown on a north-facing slope, matured in steel containers."

"Why, that's right," said the surprised owner and handed him another glass. The bum announced, "This is a cabernet, eight years old, grown on a southwestern slope, and aged in oak barrels."

"Correct again," said the owner. He gave him a third glass.

"This is Champagne , a little fruity, but quite worthwhile." The owner was astonished. He whispered to his secretary, who left and returned a few minutes later with another glass.

The bum tasted it, winced, and said, "This is urine, from a 26-year-old blond, three months pregnant and, if you don't give me the job, I'm gonna name the father!"

JOKE: Where'd you get that awful haircut?

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"


The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.


"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"


"We're taking TWA," the man replies.


"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"


The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."


"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"


The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"


A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"


"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"


"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."


"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"


"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"


"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."


Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"


"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

JOKE: the Diamond Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

JOKE: Three guys on spring break

One day three guys ( Dave, Daryle, & Ryan) were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says "I'll tell you what...I don't feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I'll let you go."
The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says "Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there." Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. "Almost there!" and Daryle unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says "Well...That’s close enough. I'll let you guys go anyway." so she goes back to her car and drives off. the guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys "Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher." and Ryan says "Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!" and Daryle goes "Man you guys are lucky I had a boner!!"

JOKE: Seeing Eye Dog

"Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador Retriever ," said Paddy. 


"You must be fooking crazy!" said Mick.


 "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

a Joke

A young man, shipwrecked on a small, deserted island, found an old oil lamp sticking out of the sand. He picked it up, and looked at it, thinking, "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a Genie in here?" He knew that Genies did not exist, but figured he had nothing to lose, so he dutifully polished the lamp.
To his amazement, an enormous Genie emerged from the lamp in a cloud of smoke. The Genie announced, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. In accord with the customs and principles of my profession, you are entitled to precisely three wishes. Wishes will be granted in accord with the laws of the State of California, and any claims, disputes, or disagreements relating to the wishes shall be resolved by binding arbitration applying California laws."
"That's weird," said the man, "I never thought a Genie would sound so much like a lawyer."
"But I am a lawyer," replied the Genie, "I am both a lawyer and a Genie. You should be aware that, for every wish you make, I will not only grant your wish but will grant every attorney in the world double what you wish for."
The man didn't care much for attorneys, and he wasn't sure what to make of the Genie, but what was the worst that could happen? He decided to take the Genie's offer, and make his wishes.
"I wish for fifty million dollars," he said. As money poured down around him, the Genie reminded him that every attorney in the world had just received one hundred million dollars.
"My second wish is for a luxurious mansion, more stunning than Versailles, fully staffed and furnished with fine antiques." The ground rumbled, and a mansion slowly rose from the earth. It was astonishingly beautiful. A butler approached him with a tray of fine food. He ate hungrily, thinking, "It really can't get any better than this."
But then the Genie reminded him, "Every attorney in the world just received a mansion twice as nice as this one."
The man thought carefully about his last wish. He appreciated what the Genie had done for him, but it burned him to think that the attorney who had botched his divorce case had fared even better. And there was the attorney who had stolen from his mother's estate. And wasn't the President an attorney? The man shuddered, realizing what people like that could do with this kind of wealth and the power it could bring. And it was then that he made his final wish.
"I really want to give something back to society," the man said. "I wish to donate one of my kidneys for transplant."

a Joke for Thursday

A Gift for the Mother-in-Law

Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

a Joke

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone
rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news!

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the
war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.''Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

a Joke for Wednesday

Two Irishmen in London looking for work are strolling down Oxford Street.
Suddenly, Paddy turns to his pal and says: "Michael, will you look at that shop over there, I thought London was supposed to be expensive, but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
You're right, Paddy, so you are. I can't believe it. Suits �10, Shirts �4, Trousers �5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."
"Michael that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure you'd have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
"Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."
"OK Michael", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two visitors go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in me 'Sky Rocket'."
The owner smiles, takes a look at Michael as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh bejabbers, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know we were Irish?"
The shopkeeper replies, "This is a Dry Cleaners".

a Joke for Wednesday

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles west of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, ' What's the name of your 'willy'?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The gay waiter says, I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?' The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, ' 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'' A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?' The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because ''Quality is Job One.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my 'willy' is SECRET. Now give me a beer.' The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?' The cowboy says, 'Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

a Joke for Wednesday

Is PMS In The Bible?

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

The Bottle of Merlot

Being the gentleman I am I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman I spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' pointing at me.. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply note to me. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and brought it to me. The note read....."For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read..... "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

the flying nun

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO '

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY
GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUTCAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE
IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE
FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .

a Joke for Monday

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sergeant and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

a Joke for Sunday

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
--------------------------------------------------------
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

a Joke for Saturday

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

He Said..She Said

He said, She said
10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?
9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.
7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?
3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.