funny text video

the joke for Monday~

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home..'

Marathon Swimmer Martin Strel is Nuts

'He swam the English Channel and became the first man to swim across the Mediterranean. Seven men had already died in the attempt, either drowned or eaten by sharks. He then took on the Danube, before swimming the Mississippi, the Argentine Parana and the Yangtze in China, an experience which left his liver black. He also swam London's River Thames last year, although its risks were somewhat less than the Yangtze. Lastly he swam the legendary Amazon. That's 3,274 miles, swimming 10 hours a day for 66 days.. on two bottles of wine a day *or 196,440 lengths of your average pool.'

He's middle-aged, his ample belly bulges over his Speedos... and he thinks drinking two bottles of wine a day keeps him in shape. Swimmer Martin Strel would be the first to admit he makes the unlikeliest of athletes. But the 55-year-old harddrinking Slovenian just happens to be the greatest endurance swimmer in the world... ever.

He claimed the title by conquering the world's most dangerous river - the Amazon - swimming 3,274 miles in 66 days, non-stop. "It helps to be a little crazy, to do what I do," Martin admits. "I told myself that I would swim the Amazon or I would die trying. "I'm a big man, sure, but the Amazon is so much bigger." The astonishing story of courage and determination is the subject of a new movie, Big River Man, which opens across the UK next month. The enthralling film sees Martin brave the constant threat of piranhas, crocodiles and the horrifying candiru fish. He also had to battle through tropical storms and blistering heat, as well as facing murderous bandits and machetewielding native tribes. Add unrelenting diarhea to that catalogue of horrors and you get an idea of the type of man Martin is, tackling each obstacle with sheer bloody-mindedness... and a healthy dose of alcohol.

But even as he tells how his doctor warned him to give up drinking to lessen the risk of heart attack, Martin simply cracks open another bottle of red, washing it down with a whisky and some beer. "I told the doctor I have to drink, I have to swim - I am Martin!" says the part-time guitar teacher.

As a child, he used to leap into the icy river near his home to escape beatings by his father, but he didn't begin serious endurance swimming until 1992. His first challenge saw him conquer the 65-mile Krka river in his homeland in 28 hours. He then swam the English Channel and became the first man to swim across the Mediterranean. Seven men had already died in the attempt, either drowned or eaten by sharks. He then took on the Danube, before swimming the Mississippi, the Argentine Parana and the Yangtze in China, an experience which left his liver black. He also swam London's River Thames last year, although its risks were somewhat less than the Yangtze. Martin says: "The Thames was a little easier to swim than other rivers. I thought it was a very nice, clean river. But it was very cold."

After such previous conquests, the Amazon must have seemed like a natural progression. Martin trained more than five hours a day in his local swimming pool and finally began history's longest swim in April 2007. His daily target was to swim for 10 hours every day, covering around 90km. But the adventure soon became a struggle for survival. As well as dehydration and exhaustion, water-borne parasites left his body racked with infection and disease, including dengue fever, which triggers painful cramps.

Tarantulas, giant millipedes and scorpions would drop off the trees into the river, often getting entangled in his hair. Birds would fly down and attempt to peck at his face. Larvae burrowed into his skin and his face was stung by wasps. Some days he even had to wear a pillowcase over his head, with slits for the eyes and mouth to protect his face from the heat. However the hazards above the water were nothing compared to the horrors below.

The biggest danger was the bull shark, responsible for the deaths of more humans than any other type of shark in the area. Then there are stingrays and anacondas lurking in the shallows, crocodiles and alligators that can seize human-size prey and gobble it whole. Long, poisonous snakes slither out of nowhere and giant catfish up to 15ft long, known to swallow dogs and children, hide in the mud. Once he had to be hauled from the water screaming in pain, as shoals of piranha fish gnawed at his leg. He swam in the faster-flowing middle of the channel, in places 100ft deep, in the worst Amazon floods for a century, but sometime he couldn't avoid the stiller water. In an attempt to stop the razorjawed piranha fish from smelling him, Martin would lather his body with gasoline and cream and buckets of pigs' blood would be thrown into the water to divert their attention. But of all the dangers, the one Martin feared most was the tiny candiru, otherwise known as the vampire fish, a parasite with a vicious tactic. It is attracted by the scent of urine and enters the body by swimming up the penis. Once inside it locks itself on with a series of spikes and feeds off blood and tissue. Surgery is the only way to remove it. And if Martin was attacked the nearest emergency ward was hundreds of miles away. To reduce the risk, Martin never exposed himself to urinate and always did it inside his wetsuit. "I never looked down," he said.

The only friendly creatures he met were the porpoises and dolphins who often kept him company, swimming alongside. His escort boat, skippered by his son and manager Borut, 28, had a team of armed guards to protect him from river pirates and carried his stockpile of medicine and food...and alcohol. "Drinking wine is part of my life," Martin says. "It's my special blend, that I make myself, so it's very healthy and it gives me energy, without making me drunk. I would drink whisky as well, to wash my mouth out before I eat food. "But sometimes I drank a little just to lift the day, because to swim a river like the Amazon is very hard. You never know what is below the water - and a drink helped me relax. You need a little Dutch courage!" The toll on his body was immense - he weighed 114kg (250lb) when he started and lost nearly 20kg (44lb) during the swim, despite being on an 11,000 calories a-day diet to keep up his strength. Towards the end, he admitted that it felt like "a bomb was about to explode" in his head. He took months to recover. Since his swim, which he undertook to highlight increasing levels of pollution in the world and the threat to the rainforests, Martin has become a huge star back home in Slovenia. Nowadays, women flock around him, calling him a hero and begging to be his wife. "Yes, I get hit on a lot and sure, I do like pretty ladies," Martin says. "But I'm already married. I have to keep my head clear - just as I did when I took on that river. "I am just a regular man who just has higher goals than usual, not a superman." So what's next for the incredible human fish? "Who knows?" shrugs Martin. "Maybe I'll swim right around the world!" Big River Man is in cinemas from September 4.

Some of the horrors under the water...

BULL SHARK Needs no introduction, this is more of a maneater than even the legendary Great White

ANACONDA Less of a snake, more of a scaly submarine, this beast is best avoided at all costs

PIRANHA Shoals are famed for being able to strip a cow to the bone in under a minute

CANDIRU Known as the vampire fish, its methods are enough to make men scream like little girls

Amazon facts The river is 3274 miles long. Only the River Nile in Egypt, at 4,132 miles, is longer. It pumps 300,000 cubic metres of water a second into the Atlantic. It accounts for a fifth of the world's fresh water. It is home to a third of all the species of animals in the world. There is no bridge across it. At its mouth in Brazil, it is 210 miles wide, which is wider than the length of the Thames. The source of the Amazon is a stream in the Peruvian Andes.

~a joke for Sunday~

A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam." "Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks. "Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!" "Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?" "No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah." "Why not?" asks the man. "Because that could lead to dancing!"

Just When You Think You've Seen Everything!!

is this a measure of badness or what? who is gonna mess with this guy? a hyena on a leash!

jokes for Saturday

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.   Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.   The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.   Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"  Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an  attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello!"  He's rather taken back because he can't place  where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know  me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the  father of one of my kids."  Now his mind travels back to the only time he has  ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,  are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I  made love to on the pool table with all my buddies  watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"  She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm  your son's teacher."
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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."   "How marvellous," the old man said.   "Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."   On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."   Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.   He was just starting to get romantic with his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
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A Couple of Videos Taken With My Still Camera

If I'd known I was gonna post these I would've been silent..oh well.I was about 30 feet away from these deer but because I was inside the house they couldn't see me with the reflection off the windows.

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Winkers: the jeans that wink at you

Meet the jeans that wink as you walk

The amusingly named Winkers, whose buttock-eyes appear to wink coquettishly at anybody following the wearer, are the invention of William A. Jones, a retired father of five and grandfather of seven who lives in Everett, Washington.

Jones says that the idea came to him when, naturally, he was checking out a woman as she walked past him.

He says he was sure that her jeans-clad bottom winked at him as she strolled by. A little more thought, and the idea of jeans with eyes in the buttock-folds was born.

Jones experimented with his daughter's jeans and discovered he could indeed make the jeans wink, and came up with the name Winkers.

His range isn't limited to just eyes, though - the range also features ducks that seem to quack, an owl that blinks, and a lion in a jungle scene.

Cop charged with pretending to be twin, sexually assaulting woman

An Orange Connecticut police officer was charged Friday with posing as his twin brother to trick a 25-year-old woman into having sex with him at his parents' Milford home last month.

Officer Jared Rohrig, 25, of Flax Mill Lane, has been on paid administrative leave from his job since July 23, pending the outcome of an internal investigation, said Orange Police Chief Robert Gagne.

The unnamed woman told police on July 22 that she had been sexually assaulted July 19 at the Rohrig home, where she went to meet Joe Rohrig, Jared's identical twin. The woman had been having a sexual relationship with Joe Rohrig since March, and on July 19 she talked on the phone with someone she believed was him and agreed to meet at his house, according to a search warrant filed at Milford Superior Court.

When she arrived, she got into the hot tub with the Rohrig brother she believed was Joe, began kissing him and agreed to go to an upstairs bedroom with him. But as they were having sex, the warrant states, she noticed something missing: the cowboy tattoo on Joe's left buttocks was not there. The woman "immediately began to cry and asked him where his tattoo went," the warrant states. "The male replied that he had never had a tattoo and told her that she must have hooked up with his brother who had a tattoo "� The female victim realized at this point that this was not the person that she had previously had sexual relations with."

She told police that at that point she got out of bed and tried to leave, but the man "grabbed her arms and threw her on the bed, where she continued to cry," and he continued having sex with her, the warrant states. When the woman told Jared Rohrig to get off her, he allegedly put a pillow over her face, and while it did not prevent her from breathing, she felt "scared and claustrophobic," according to the warrant. Her attempts to push him off were unsuccessful "because he was too strong and she gave up," the warrant states.

Later, the man -- still claiming to be Joe Rohrig -- drove the woman home in Jared Rohrig's pickup truck, but could not find the way, even though Joe had previously visited there several times, she told police. "The female victim looked at the male and asked, 'When did you think I was going to find out? When I realized you didn't have a tattoo? When we didn't use Joe's car to drive home? Or when you didn't know how to get to my house because you've never been there?' " the warrant states. "The female victim said the male replied, 'I don't know. I never thought that far ahead.' [She] asked him, 'How do you feel right now?' and he replied, 'I feel dumb. I feel stupid.' The male then said, 'You have every right to be upset.' The female victim replied, 'I don't need your sympathy.' "

Jared Rohrig allegedly told the woman during the ride that his brother, Joe, who had a steady girlfriend, did not want to meet her that day, but "he told me to go for it." She told police she later received a text message from Joe's cell phone, the same one Jared had allegedly used to speak with her earlier, and the message read: "I want to apologize for what my brother did last night. I had no idea what was going on until this morning."

After the alleged assault, the woman went to Milford Hospital, where she completed a sexual assault evidence kit. Jared Rohrig, hired by the Orange Police Department on July 11, 2008, is still in the department's 18-month probationary period and is not a member of the police union, Gagne said. His brother had applied to the department through the South Central Criminal Justice Administration, a regional testing entity used by several area police departments, Gagne said, but "he is not being considered at this time." Jared Rohrig surrendered to police Friday and posted a $50,000 bond. He is to be arraigned on charges of first-degree sexual assault and criminal impersonation Sept. 8 in Milford Superior Court.

13 Possible Reasons for Traffic Accidents (8- )

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