joke for Saturday

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see e, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. ' NO Shit .' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

a joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'


She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'


John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'


'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary..'


She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

So I Wuz Down at Walmart and Snapped a Few Pix

TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH ALL THE HOT NEW STYLES AT WALMART..

YOU STINK

Pungent passengers may soon be forced off buses

Along with their fares, city bus riders complain of something foul. Overwhelming odors of property and other passengers. That's why city leaders are calling on Honolulu's transit system to clean up its act.

If you're like one of more than 230,000 riders a day, you board the bus and expect to get from "A" to "B." But, city leaders say, along for the ride might be some seriously offensive odor.

"When I open the door your senses come alive," said bus driver Brian Nakagawa.

"This guy came on and smelt really bad, it made my eyes water," said rider Richard Liaga.

"Their waste their sweat," said Nakagawa.

"You get off the bus and it just doesn't go away, then you start feeling like, maybe it's me," said Jeanne Herring.

You pay for a seat and Richard Liaga says along for the ride is stink. A guy next to him smelt downright revolting.

"I didn't want to be rude so I just moved my seat" said Liaga.

But is speaking up being rude or your right as a passenger? Drivers already have the power to remove passengers.

"Last time I had 10 complaints," said Nakagawa.

Hearing concern from constituents, Honolulu City Councilmember Rod Tam is co-sponsoring a bill that makes it illegal to bring bunk-smells from a person, their clothing, food or animals on the bus.

"We should focus on health and safety on public facilities," said Tam.

Under the bill, if you or something you bring on the bus smells bad, you could be asked to get off, or be issued a police citation. That would carry a fine of up to $500, maybe even up to six months in jail.

"If they've been working all day and they have to ride the bus, I feel like people will have to deal with it," said Herring.

But sometimes a snooze or skimming pages in a book are no match for reek feet or foul food.

"You don't want to say it, but someone has to say it," said Liaga.

Until then, you may just have buckle down and hold your breath.

Civil liberties groups are critical of the potential law, saying that it opens the door for discrimination. The city plans to discuss the logistics of the legislation at a public meeting Thursday.

Nutjob Torches Police Cruiser..Again

FORT MYERS: A woman was arrested after she allegedly she torched a Lee County deputy's patrol car early Tuesday morning - and investigators say it's not the first time she's done it.

Shortly after midnight, investigators say an unknown person knocked on the door of deputies Meredith and Scott Marchesi.

The person told them that their car was on fire.

Scott Marchesi doused the fire, which heavily damaged the right front wheel well of the vehicle.

Investigators found a glass bottle containing an accelerant, likely gasoline, had been placed under the car.

A detective from the State Fire Marshal's Office took a sample of the accelerant for analysis.

A small amount of a burned material was found stuck in the top of the bottle.

Deputies quickly identified 19-year-old Heather Nicole Conant, of Passaic Avenue in Fort Myers, as a suspect, because of a similar incident four years ago.

Conant, then 15 years old and known as Heather Peet, was suspected of spray painting threatening messages on Marchesi's patrol car three different times in July 2005.

The messages said "you will die", "you will die" and "bitch", and "you will die soon".

She was caught after she allegedly approached the car a fourth time and set it on fire with a Molotov cocktail.

After interviewing her about Tuesday's incident, deputies say there was enough evidence to arrest her.

Conant is charged with Arson, Manufacturing a Firebomb, Property Damage, Aggravating Stalking and Aggravated Assault.

BONUS JOKE..IT'S FRIDAY..YEE HAW

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"   "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."   "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.   Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.   He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

the Word for Friday

Paradigm

1. a. a set of forms all of which contain a particular element, esp. the set of all inflected forms based on a single stem or theme. b. a display in fixed arrangement of such a set, as boy, boy's, boys, boys'.

2. an example serving as a model; pattern Synonyms: mold, standard; ideal, paragon, touchstone.

Walletless Vice President Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost

WASHINGTON—According to an incident report filed by the Secret Service,

special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress call from

Number One Observatory Circle and arrived to discover Vice President Joe

Biden chained to a bed, spread-eagle, with a pair of cutoff denim shorts

around his ankles. Though White House officials have refused to comment, the

report indicates that Biden told agents his wallet was missing and detailed its

contents as a lucky two-dollar bill, a Sizzler gift card, and a Federal Bikini

Inspector badge. After further questioning of the vice president, the Secret

Service advised local law enforcement to be on the lookout for a stolen white

1981 Trans Am driven by "this real feisty little firecracker.

satire

another joke~

The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

a joke for Thursday

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.