Who Loves Ya Baby!

jokes for Saturday

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Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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A Muslim has died and arrives in Heaven
He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he asks
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up'
And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides.
He meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still'
Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'
'Yes please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: 'Mohammed..coffee'
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One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"
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**Paris Hilton in Jail** the Video

A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in India. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim.I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is open for you.

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands every day. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours,

Choudhary

a Joke

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

the Word for Friday

HECTOR

To intimidate or dominate in a blustering way. To behave like a bully; swagger.

synonyms: bullyrag,badger,bait,cow,menace,threaten

a Joke for Friday..more to follow..I'm in the mood

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Did You See This? "Children Who Get Spanked Have Lower IQs" ... I Think This Is BS

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090925/sc_livescience/childrenwhogetspankedhaveloweriqs

 The argument could be made that the reason they have lower IQs is because their parents have lower IQs. It seems to me that spanking is an outdated method of discipline;beating a child isn't the best way to teach them to do right. I would also suggest that those who do spank their children these days are less educated, less informed and probably of a lower IQ than those who do not spank their kids.

 The fact that their respective IQs go down over a measured period of time could also be indicative of a genetic predisposition to lower IQ scores rather than the impact of spanking.

the Joke for Thursday

A little old Jewish lady sells pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young leaves his office building at lunch time, and as he passes the pretzel stand, he leaves her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. They never exchange a word. This goes on for more than three years.
One day, as the young man passes the old lady's stand and leaves his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady finally speaks to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

the Word for Thursday

Superfetation
the formation of a fetus while another fetus is already present in the uterus.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/twins-conceived-weeks/story?id=8656369