a Joke for Friday

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked,
she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Mother of the Year Nominee

OCTOBER 6--Meet Jackie Knott. The Alabama woman, 37, is facing a child endangerment rap for allegedly having her teenage daughter ride in a cardboard box atop her minivan as it traveled along an interstate highway Saturday morning. Knott, pictured in the above Albertville Police Department mug shot, told cops that her 13-year-old daughter Haley was serving as a human paperweight to keep the box from falling off the vehicle (and careening down U.S. 431). While Knott explained that the box was too large to fit inside her van, it is unclear why she did not seek to simply flatten it in an effort to squeeze the box into her crowded vehicle. When stopped by cops, Knott, a Boaz, Alabama resident, noted that "the box was tied to the van with a clothes hanger," according to a police press release.

British Tourists Love Fucking

British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian village effing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly named village.

While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of Fucking are failing to see the funny side.

Only one kind of criminal stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border - cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humor and a screwdriver.

But the local authorities are hitting back with the signs now set in concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.

"We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed," the officer said.

"It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile."

Local tourist guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British that had a fixation with Fucking.

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained. "Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of Music' (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg.) The occasional Japanese wants to see Hilter's birthplace in Braunau."

"But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindelbauer described the village's breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas. "Yet still there is this obsession with Fucking," she said. "Just this morning I had to tell an English lady that there were no Fucking postcards."

We don't know how severe the stolen sign problem there really is, but Austria is indeed home to a town called 'Fucking' (48' 03"N 13' 51"E). Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.

This sign carries the hilarity even further: "Bitte - nicht so schnell!" is German for "Please - not so fast!" (Snopes.com)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria

Spokane Blows Up Problem Squirrels

SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - The Finch Arboretum is being overrun by ground squirrels, and Spokane Parks and Recreation is bringing in some special artillery.

The agency is using a special machine called the Rodenator Pro to detonate some of the estimated 100 to 150 squirrels tearing up the grounds.

The Rodenator Pro pumps propane and oxygen into the tunnels of squirrels, then sends an electric spark that causes an explosion. The shock waves kill the squirrels and collapse their tunnels - but in a humane way, the agency said.

Spokanimal, which is the local animal shelter and Humane Society chapter, was caught by surprise by Monday's announcement.

"You're kidding," Director Gail Mackie said when she learned the news. "That borders on cruelty."

Mackie said she would investigate the practice.

The parks department is warning area residents that it plans to blast squirrels all week, and to not be alarmed by noises that sound like gun shots. Parks officials said police have already been called to the arboretum by people who heard the explosions.

Timing is crucial. Parks officials said they want to detonate their prey before the animals start reproducing.

Parks officials said ground squirrels have been a minor problem for years, but their population is, well, exploding.

The squirrels dig tunnels and holes that people can trip on or fall into, the agency said. They eat new tree roots, can spread disease and are spreading to neighboring yards.

Gas bombs were tried in the past, but were not effective, the agency said.

Enter the Rodenator, a product whose workings have been captured on numerous YouTube videos. The company is based in Midvale, Idaho, and promises on its Web site that its product is effective against the "saber-toothed gopher."

a Joke for Thursday

No Bell Piece Prize and the Pulletsurprise

Burt was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Burt's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To Burt's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Burt was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the District Fall Fair. The rooster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Tommy Emmanuel - Guitar Boogie

the Word for Thursday

IMPECUNIOUS

penniless, pinched, poor,

Synonyms: destitute, poverty-stricken

Cow Eats a Cheep Meal

NOISY SEX BRINGS A FINE

UK

A woman has been fined �200 for disturbing neighbours with her noisy sex sessions.
Caroline Cartwright was found guilty of breaching an abatement notice served on her after 25 complaints to police about her romps with husband Steve.

The 47-year-old denied the latest five charges but was convicted after Sunderland magistrates listened to recordings of the loud lovemaking.
She was due to be given an Antisocial Behaviour Order (Asbo) today at magistrates' court.

Environmental Health placed recording equipment in the flat next door to the couple's house in Hall Road, Concord, Washington.

The Cartwrights' neighbour, Rachel O'Connor pressed a button on the machine every time she was disturbed by noise from next door.

She said: "It is sounds of a sexual nature, really loud, a lot of moaning and groaning and screaming as if in pain.

"It comes from both parties, the man and the woman."

Ms O'Connor told the court that when she first moved into Hall Road, in November 2007, the noise started at midnight and lasted until 3am.

Now, she said, the noise started at about 6.30am and lasted until 9am.

The tape made in Ms O'Connor's flat was recorded through a soundproofed wall, but words and the sound of slapping were audible.

Environmental Health officer Pamela Spark, told the court that she had heard 23 recordings of the couple having sex.

She said: "The recordings contained an excessive screaming female voice. I felt that the noise was a clear breach of the abatement notice at that level."

Anne Dimmock, who leases the flat, told the court she had trouble keeping tenants because of the romping.

She said: "It's quite a disturbing, very loud sexual noise. I actually mistook it for domestic violence, it was that unnatural."

Ms Dimmock runs a domestic care agency, Choice Care, from the flat below with business partner Melanie Smith.

The businesswomen told the court the business suffered because of the sounds from the Cartwrights' house.

They said they had to conduct meetings and interviews in the kitchen to avoid embarrassing clients and staff.

Ms Smith lived in the flat with her newborn baby but told the court she moved out because she "couldn't take it any more".

She said: "I started hearing a disturbing noise about February/March 2006.

"I contacted next door to say I could hear something and I had a little boy and it was waking him up.

"She said she would move the bed and keep it down, but it got really bad about March time which is when I left."

Partially-deaf neighbour Margery Ball said she had not had a decent night's sleep in two years because of the Cartwrights.

Peter Lowthian, defending, said the sound problem worked both ways, and Cartwright heard Ms O'Connor having sex, Mrs Ball's television and typing and conversations from the business below.

He claimed the couple had been targeted and were the victims of vandalism and abusive behaviour.

Cartwright told the court: "I am not making the noise on purpose. I have no desire to hurt anybody or damage any property."

Cartwright was fined �200 with �300 costs and a �15 victim surcharge.

The terms of her Asbo were to be decided by Sunderland magistrates today.

a Joke for Wednesday

Is PMS In The Bible?

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...
"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."