JOKE: the Traveling Salesman and the Farmer's Daughter

One moonless night, way out in the boondocks, a traveling salesman wrecked his car. Badly battered and losing blood, he managed to crawl out of the wreckage, lifted himself to his elbows, and spotted a light in the distance. He vows to crawl toward what may be his only hope. Inch by agonizing inch, he crawled, every pebble and twig digging into his broken body. Hours later, he barely made it up the two steps to the farmhouse porch. Unable to stand, he banged his fist against the door. The farmer opened the door and nearly closed it again because he saw no one. "Down here," croaked the salesman. "I missed the curve. Wrecked my car. Need help bad." "You ain't one o' them traveling salesmen, are ya?" asked the farmer. "Yes, I am." The grizzled old man said, "Well, ya can spend the night here but I gotta warn ya: I ain't got no daughters!" There was a long pause and then the salesman asked, "So how far's the next farm?"

'My face might fall off but I'll keep having plastic surgery"

His face is ravaged from the disastrous plastic surgery he's had over the years - but Pete Burns insists he will never stop going under the knife in a bid to fix his features.

The singer has revealed that he's had yet another facelift, despite previous procedures maiming him to an extent he thought his face would 'fall off' and he'd have to have his lips amputated.

Pete has admitted that recent pictures showing him with a swollen face as he sat in the front row of a fashion row were because of a further surgical procedure.

'Getting a new face is like buying a sofa': Pete Burns says he'll go under the knife again in another couple of years

But talking to this week's Reveal magazine, he confessed: 'My most recent overhaul was about a month ago. I had a minor facelift and my eyes slanted.

'I also have regular peels and Botox. I't something I'll always do. People redecorate their homes every few years and I see this as no different. Changing my face is like buying a new sofa.'

Pete, 51, won �450,000 in damages last year from cosmetic surgeon Dr Maurizio Viel, who the singer claims left him 'suicidal' after his lip implant operations went wrong.

'I get bored with how I look': The singer says he'll continue to go under the knife despite numerous botched operations

However, he's now removed most of them.

He explained: 'I had piercings all over my face, which did look dreadful, but I got them done while waiting for my hisband Michael to get a tattoo. I was bored.'

The Liverpudlian said he had his first surgery - a nose job - in the 1980s after the money started rolling in from hits like You Spin Me Round with his band Dead Or Alive

Day out: Burns went out for a coffee on the Kings Road with husband Michael

But he said even that went wrong and his nose was so crooked he could no longer wear sunglasses.

However, he said it didn't put him off and he went on to have an implant in his top lip, then filler injections.

But in 2004 an infection set in, which saw his lips swell to 18 inches.

This week's Reveal magazine, out now

The star - who appeared on Celebrity Big Brother in 2006 - continues: 'My doctor punctured it and the yellow dishcarge that came out filled two mugs. I was put on antibiotics but my whole face began to swell.

'I was housebound for nine months and couldn't move my head - discharge would pour out.'

He finally found a corrective surgeon who said he could help.

Pete continued: 'One told told me that my lips were so bad they would need amputating. It was terrifying.'

However, he said he would continue to go under the knife and insisted: 'I don't feel like I'm addicted to surgery.

'I could leave it alone for long periods of time if I wanted...I'll wait another couple of years before my next overhaul...my face might fall off!'

Burns, who was married to stylist Lynne Corlett until 2006, married partner Michael Simpson in a civil partnership in 2007.

Popstar: Pete at the height of his fame in the 1980s with Dead Or Alive

The Charlie Sheen is Too Damn High Party

The Charlie Sheen is Too Damn High Party from Jimmy McMillan

Woman tries to sell 12-week-old grandson for $30,000

Authorities arrested a Holly Hill woman on Friday on charges that she tried to sell her 12-week-old grandson. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement arrested 45-year-old Patty Bigbee, of Holly Hill, on Friday. Investigators said they arrested her at about 4 p.m., when she met with a buyer in Daytona Beach.

Deputies announced later that they'd arrested a second person connection with the case. Lawrence Works, 42, of Holly Hill, was charged with being a principal to the illegal sale or surrender of a child. It's unclear what his connection is to Bigbee or the child.

The FDLE said the investigation began in October, when they said Bigbee approached an unidentified "third party," offering to sell the baby for $75,000. Investigators say the buyer talked down the price of the infant to $30,000, which Bigbee agreed to accept. FDLE agents said they arrested Bigbee at the scene of the would-be transaction, turning the infant over to the Department of Children and Families.

Officials said the baby's mother is currently incarcerated on unrelated charges. Bigbee was booked into Volusia County Jail on charges of illegal sale or surrender of a child and communication fraud. The FDLE said its investigation is ongoing. Officials described the buyer as a "confidential source." A Department of Children and Families spokesman said the baby showed no outward signs of neglect or abuse and is "doing well."

JOKE: A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon

A newcomer was drinking in an Old West saloon when a cowboy ran through the swinging doors, yelling, "Big Jake's a'comin'!" The place immediately emptied, leaving the newcomer and his beer alone at the bar. Sure enough, soon a seven-foot-tall, 350-pound cowboy swaggered in, barely fitting through the double doors. He glanced around the saloon and, seeing no one but our friend, marched over to him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, threw him over the bar, and bellowed, "Gimme whiskey!" The shaken man complied, found a full bottle, and placed it and a glass on the bar. The huge cowboy bit the glass neck right off the bottle, spat it on the floor, and emptied the fifth in one giant swig. Our friend, not sure what to do next, timidly asked, "Uh, do you want another?" The cowboy growled, "Nope. Gotta go. Big Jake's a'comin'!"

Too Short

VIDEO: the latest from Jetman

Spanish piglet suckled by her canine carer

The Iberic piglet was due to be sold for Christmas dinner but was turned down by the butcher in Caceres, in Spain's Extramadura region, for being too small.

Now the piglet is being looked after by the family dog, Diana, who has welcomed it as part of her litter.

Man Dressed As Jesus Kicked Out Of Church

A man dressed as Jesus was kicked out of a St. Louis area church Sunday. Police were even called to get in the middle of the spiritual showdown. "We're called to be ambassadors for Jesus Christ, ambassadors should represent, and that's what I do. I try to represent my Lord and savior Jesus Christ," said Neal Thompson Monday night, wearing the same white robe and cross, and carrying the same staff he's been using every Sunday for 22 years.

He dresses up like Jesus every week, going to a new church every week, he says, to spread his Christian message.

"He said 'Take up your cross, your breastplate, and your staff and follow in Jesus Christ's footsteps and wear a white robe to show your sincerity,'" he said. "That's my job, to spread the word."

He says he is questioned most weeks, but then welcomed. But when he tried to enter St. Paul's Lutheran Church in Des Peres, he was not allowed in.

"One of the deacons saw me," he said, "and when I went in the church he met me and he said, 'Can I help you? What do you want?' I said, 'I want to go to church here today.' And he said, 'What do you believe in? Are you Christian? What religion are you?' I said, 'I'm a Christian.'"

Thompson said he was not allowed in the sanctuary. Church members told him he'd have to sit in the hallway.

"And I said, 'Well this ain't right, you guys ain't treating me right.' He said, 'We're gonna call the police.' I said, 'Well call them, I don't care. Call them.' So I sat down and the next thing I know four or five police showed up."

The church secretary referred us to Des Peres police, who did not even write a report. They say Thompson wasn't causing a scene, but they asked him to leave and he did, peacefully.

"Oh I forgive them, I forgive them," said Thompson.

He said this was only the second time he's been kicked out of a church in the last 22 years.

He says he'll try to go to St. Paul's Lutheran again some day, but police told him he should try to set up an appointment with the pastor before his next visit.

VIDEO: Puppy loves cat ears