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JOKE: Penny, Brandy And ...

Three pastors and their wives were driving back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher and said sharply, "You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in your life was money! You've preached many times, 'Money is evil, money won't buy you happiness, money this, money that.' Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named Penny, isn't that so?" he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes sir, that's true."

"Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you know where, but you don't get to come in the front gate. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, "And you! All you ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached. "The bottle this, the bottle that." Yet, you've been drunk nearly every time you've preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn't that so?" he accused.

The pastor only nodded in shame.

"Well, you also preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But you don't get to come in the front gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and enter the back door. Off with you!"

And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And you! " St. Peter began.

The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walking, Fanny."

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JOKE: These Things My Father Said

A couple had marital problems so they visited a counselor who first spoke to the wife alone. "You've been married twenty years; what's the problem?"

She replied, "My husband drives me crazy! Whenever we go out, he stares at the floor and refuses to go near anyone else. And, he picks his nose, even in public. And, when we make love, he never lets me be on top! Just once, I want to be in control!"

The counselor said, "Thank you. Now I'll speak with your husband."

The husband entered and sat down. "Your wife says you're driving her crazy." The husband looked shocked.

"What?! For twenty years, I've been loving and considerate and given her what she wanted! What's her problem?" The counselor related her complaints. The husband looked concerned.

"These are things my father told me on his death bed and I swore I'd obey him."

"Exactly what did your father say?"

"He said I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor said, "Actually, that means that you shouldn't do anything that would anger another."

The husband looked sheepish. "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continued, "What about picking your nose?"

"My father told me to keep my nose clean."

"No, that meant you shouldn't indulge in criminal behavior."

"Oh." The husband felt dumb.

"But why won't you allow your wife to be on top during lovemaking?"

The husband looked serious. "That was the last thing my father told me on his deathbed."

"Exactly what did he say?"

"With his dying breath, he told me, 'Don't screw up'!"