jokes for Wednesday 7/01/2009

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Phew!"
"Why did you do that?" asks the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, 'Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.'

He listened a while longer, and said, 'There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.' So the magistrate kept listening; 'There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth...'

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on him; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered, 'My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.'

Life is a Four Letter Word

ever get the feeling, like you've just been squashed by the entire world? Lately, I don't know if I'm coming or going with the gas prices being so high my whole world has been kinda turned upside down I may've found a solution to the gas situation if we don't run out of dog food the trick is to be resourceful when you're a 'lil short
there are dangers to being upwardly mobil
but we must put all our demons to bed
and realize that sometimes life's load is a bit much
and sheer optimism alone isn't enough to prevail

often the problem is how we perceive things

maybe it's best to just laugh at life's little inequities..count our blessings
and keep on dancin'

'cuz there will always be more crap coming along
but if we face our fears

and maintain an attitude of gratitude
we can continue to face the music

a joke for you

a guy goes to the doctor

he has a stalk of celery sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear and a banana protruding from his nose

he says, "what's wrong with me doc?"

doc says, " I'd say you're not eating right"

A JOKE ~

A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"

The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."

The lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.

The next friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.

The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenant! What are you doing."

"Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays."

"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But we just ride them into town."

BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him,

and never say its not quite as good as his mothers



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who will never touch the remote,

doesn't care about football,

and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores.



. . .. then buy a dog!


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,

and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ....



. . ..then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand . . .

If you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness . . .




. . .then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna' say... marry a man, didn't you?

DOG RIDING A BICYCLE..REALLY!!!

German Boy Struck By Meteorite

A 14-year old German boy was hit in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite that scared the bejeezus out of him and left a scar.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," Gerrit Blank said in a newspaper account. Astronomers have analyzed the object and conclude it was indeed a natural object from space, The Telegraph reports.

Most meteors vaporize in the atmosphere, creating "shooting stars," and never reach the ground. The few that do are typically made mostly of metals. Stony space rocks, even if they are big as a car, will usually break apart or explode as they crash through the atmosphere.

There are a handful of reports of homes and cars being struck by meteorites, and many cases of space rocks streaking to the surface and being found later.

But human strikes are rare. There are no known instances of humans being killed by space rocks.

According to a SPACE.com article on the topic a few years, back:
On November 30, 1954, Alabama housewife Ann Hodges was taking a nap on her couch when she was awakened by a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor that crashed through the roof of her house, bounced off a piece of furniture and struck her in the hip, causing a large bruise.
On October 9, 1992, a large fireball was seen streaking over the eastern United States, finally exploding into many pieces. In Peekskill, New York, one of the pieces struck a Chevrolet automobile owned by Michelle Knapp. Knapp was not in the car at the time.
On June 21, 1994, Jose Martin of Spain was driving with his wife near Madrid when a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor crashed through his windshield, bent the steering wheel and ended up in the back seat.

In 2004, a 2,000-pound space rock bigger than a refrigerator exploded in the late-night sky over Chicago, producing a large flash and a sound resembling a detonation that woke people up. Fragments rained down on that wild Chicago night, and many were collected by residents in a northern suburb.

joke for Thursday

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL I'Il want you to strip naked.When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.' The next night he came home from work and yelled' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!

''What the he!!is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

a Nasty Prank at the Holiday Inn

JUNE 9--A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department, which, as seen below, photographed the aftermath of the June 6 incident. According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an imposter. Since a similar prank call was made to a Holiday Inn in Little Rock, Conway cops alerted fellow Arkansas law enforcement officials that "more of these calls could be coming in," according to the police report. Rusty Brown, the Holiday Inn guest who helped Bergmann follow the prankster's instructions, told TSG he was "an innocent bystander and got involved in domestic terrorism." Bown, 36, remarked that there was "absolute panic in that hotel," adding that, "all I did was make it worse. I'm not proud of breaking windows. It is very disheartening."

joke for Wednesday

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him severaltimes. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

Joke for Tuesday

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.


Lord, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you, she prayed.
And just like that,her ears fell off.

Strange But True

Naked vandal trashes Seattle church

SEATTLE - Services were moved to the parking lot of a Rainier Beach church after a naked man smashed through a window Saturday, spattering HIV-positive blood inside and leaving a trail of destruction through the house of worship.
Officials believe the 46-year-old suspect was high on PCP during his unholy rampage through the Unity Church of God in Christ - and now the church interior is considered a bio-hazard because of the tainted blood inside.

The bizarre incident left church members in shock, but now they're learning it may be more than just a coincidence - because, as it turns out, the suspect's brother killed himself there on church property on the same Sunday 29 years ago.

A trail of blood spatters, broken glass and other damage show where the naked vandal made his way through the church.
Neighbors say it was about 4 a.m. Saturday when the man hurled his naked body against a window and smashed through.

The jagged, broken glass left cuts all over his body that created a trail of blood spatters and smears throughout the interior of the church.

The pastor, Rev. James Hicks, says church members started cleaning up the mess until they learned that the man is HIV-positive and has hepatitis C - possibly creating a bio-hazard inside the house of worship.

The rampage went from room to room - a picture gallery was torn from the walls, a trophy case was broken open, mirrors were shattered - and blood was smeared on walls, fixtures and furniture.

"Just to see (the pictures) torn up on the floor. It was really, really really devastating to us," says the pastor.

"The thing is that he cut himself, and he had blood all over the trophy case, blood where the mirror was, blood around the doors."

The naked vandal triggered an alarm, and police arrested him outside a short time later. He's now in jail for investigation of burglary.

Volunteers got busy cleaning up until they realized the potential danger. "They said, 'We don't suggest that you do this clean-up,'" Hicks says.

The church scheduled an outdoor service in the parking lot for Sunday morning after they realized they could not use the sanctuary.

"That just knocked the wind out of our sails, cause we knew then we had to do something different," Hicks said.

But church members say they have already forgiven the man, whose brother hung himself from a tree on church property on the first Sunday of June 29 years ago.

"I don't think it's a coincidence, and I believe that my neighbor said he heard him saying, 'I love you, I love you,' and he heard all that tearing up and commotion," explains church member Angelia Hicks-Maxie.

At the outdoor Sunday morning service, the pastor remembered the man in his prayers.

"Oh God, we ask that you look upon the young man who did this - amen. Because our business is forgiveness, yes, Lord."

Church member Billy Williams says, "The Bible says things work together for the good. And we don't understand it but our business is forgiveness and soul-saving, and some strange way God will get the glory out of this."

Now, the reaching out is both ways.

"His brother actually called," says the pastor, "and apologized on behalf of his brother so the forgiveness, the emotions are already starting to the healing can begin."

the Happy Old Lady

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

joke for Monday

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

Monkeys on Safari..OMG

birds and bees do it..even monkeys do it

woman given 1969 Ford Mustang she bought at 15 for her 50th birthday

When Julie Moore bought her 1969 Ford Mustang back in 1973, she was a 15-year-old student at Sentinel High School. For her 50th birthday, Moore's family found the long-sold and broken-down Mustang in a Missoula backyard, fixed it up and re-gifted the car to her. Photo by MICHAEL GALLACHER/Missoulian

RONAN - Julie Moore was pretty sure her 50th birthday was going to slip by with little fanfare.



Her son Bill, an X-ray technician at Community Medical Center in Missoula, was scheduled to work, and her daughter, Jeri Rice, lives far away in Fayetteville, Ark., with husband Steve.



Besides, Julie and her husband Willard had been busy planning another celebration, the 30th anniversary of their purchase of Willard's, their downtown bar, for Friday. That was tempered by the death of a dear friend, longtime Ronan teacher William “Pat” Williams; the Moores served as ushers at his funeral last Saturday morning, then joined others at the Mission Mountain Country Club to hit golf balls on Williams' favorite hole in his memory.

Several of them retired to Willard's after that, and it was around 8:30 p.m. when Julie heard a familiar voice.



“Mom! Mom!” Bill Moore hollered as he entered Willard's. Julie turned; she was surprised to see her son.



And more stunned as the crowd parted and she saw who was with him: her own mother, Vivienne Hunter; her dad, Ron Hunter; her stepmother, Jewell Hunter.



Her brother Reed and his girlfriend, Ginny Cogswell, were there, too. Most shocking of all: Jeri and Steve had flown in from Arkansas to surprise her.



“With the bar's birthday and the passing of a friend, I thought I'd let my birthday kind of slide by this year,” Julie says. “There was no such luck with this crew.”



But the biggest surprise wasn't that they were all here.



It was what they brought with them.



Bill Moore blindfolded his mother, twirled her around and pushed her toward the back door of the bar.



Once outside, the blindfold was lifted and there in front of Julie was her birthday present: a red 1969 Ford Mustang fastback.



And not just any '69 Mustang fastback. It was the same Mustang Julie had purchased when she was 15 years old, back in 1973 when she was a sophomore at Sentinel High School, as her first car.



“I just about fainted,” Julie says. “I was totally floored.”



It was Bill Moore who found the Mustang, covered in pitch and sitting in disrepair under a pine tree in a Missoula backyard. He'd run into the man who bought it from his mother 10 years ago, and told the owner if he ever wanted to sell it, to give him first crack at it.



Julie's son, daughter and mother banded together to buy it back. Bill did much of the work over the winter to get it up and running again, but more family and friends came on board to help as time went on.



“I think maybe the biggest surprise of all is that so many people were able to keep it a secret for so long,” Julie says.



She wasn't suspicious when Bill called last year wanting his mom's Social Security and driver's license numbers. He told her it was so he could list her as a beneficiary on his 401(k) plan, but it was actually so he could fill out information to transfer the Mustang title back to her.



And the radar didn't click on at a recent family gathering, when the talk turned to who all was storing “stuff” at her brother Reed's home.



“At least I don't have any of my junk up there,” Julie told him.



By that time the Mustang, which Bill had been working on at a friend's shop in Potomac during the winter, was parked in Reed's shop as the family pitched in to get it finished.



“Are you sure about that?” Reed teased his sister. Bill shot his uncle a look: Don't you dare go there.



It was a mad flurry to get the car done, even after Bill had devoted months to the project, grinding heads, replacing struts and the exhaust system, putting in new brakes and more.



“The last two weeks we were up till 2:30 in the morning every night trying to get it finished,” Reed says. “We had to stop at a family member's home to get one of the last pieces (the hood scoop) and we bolted that on on the side of the highway.”



Even though Julie's birthday was actually Tuesday, they wanted to get the car to her over the weekend - when everyone could be there to join in the surprise.



So they hauled the car into Ronan at about 7:55 Saturday evening on a trailer behind Reed's pickup, and headed first to a car wash.



“Then we realized we hadn't brought any towels or washrags,” Reed says. Vivienne Hunter saved the day, donating her quilting fabric to wipe the water spots away.



The only other person as surprised as Julie was husband Willard.



“The kids really struggled over whether they should tell their dad,” Julie says. “He was never a big fan of the car. It's not a practical family car, it's not good in the snow, it's got a small trunk, and it steers tough - there's no power steering.”



But the reason she sold it 10 years ago after owning it for more than a quarter of a century, Julie says, is because Bill and Jeri both had cars by then and still lived at home, and the front of the house seemed littered with too many vehicles all the time.



She quickly regretted it.



“How many people do you hear say, ‘Gee, I wish I still had the first car I ever owned'?” Julie says. “I had mine for something like 26 years, and then I sold it. It was painful to get rid of it.”



There were just too many memories attached to the Mustang.



Back when she was 15 and a newly licensed driver, Julie had had her eye on a car with “suicide” doors; her dad steered her toward the Mustang, which he found on a car lot run by a friend.



She paid either $1,200 or $1,700 for it - she can't remember which - with money she had earned working after school and during the summers. (And sold it, in the 1990s, for $4,000. Her family, of course, won't tell her how much they paid to get it back, nor how much it has cost to get it running again.)



“Gas was 39 cents a gallon when I bought it,” Julie says. “You could find 50 cents in the ashtray and go all weekend. My girlfriend and I would take it to the drive-in, crawl in the backseat, kick the front seats forward and watch the movie. It's the car I drove to my high school graduation. It's the car that was decorated for my wedding. Many years later, it was the car my daughter used to learn how to drive a stick shift.”



When she climbed behind the wheel Saturday night to take it for a spin down Ronan's Main Street, Julie Moore says she was very nervous.



“There must have been 30 patrons plus all my family there,” she says. “I was shaking - but I didn't kill it!”



Julie says she'll drive the Mustang to her golf league every Tuesday for sure, tool around town in it some, and drive it in Ronan's annual Pioneer Days parade. But it will be a summer car this time around, and garaged during the winter.



Oh - and Willard's reaction when he saw the red Mustang - the one he'd never been that fond of - for the first time in a decade?



“It's baa-ack,” he said with a smile.



And this time, he's pretty sure, no “for sale” sign will ever be taped in a window again.

Hawaii fish coughs up gold watch

ELEELE, Hawaii (AP) -- Hawaii resident Curt Carish boasts a timely fish tale: a 10-inch reef fish he caught by hand in shallow water coughed up a ticking gold watch.

Carish says he was enjoying a picnic Wednesday on Port Allen beach when he saw the nenue fish awkwardly swimming close to shore.

He says a friend gave him a bamboo stick and told him to get the fish. So he jumped into the waist-high water and hit the nenue until it went limp.

He noticed the fish had an abnormally large belly as he tossed it into a cooler.

A friend opened the cooler later to discover a gold watch next to the fish's mouth.

Carish says the watch was ticking and keeping correct time.

funny story for Friday

A Charlotte , North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, and then insured them against fire, among other
things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the
company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the
claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
of the cigars lost in the "fires".

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Masters of Can Do

Necessity is the Mother of Invention click an image to enlarge