GOT A BAD HEAD COLD? THERE'S HELP..LOL

LMAO

I hate this genre of 'music'..so this to me is riotous

Mexican Lion Discourages Thieves

This is a true story of a Garage Owner in the Southwest.

(New Mexico)

He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.

Men Are Little Boys..Just Older..Right?

I LIKE THIS DOCTOR

Doctor U.R. Wong

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Yep It Finally Happened!

HOW TO IDENTIFY AN ASSHOLE

so be careful

the Microsoft Waiter

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

what is a BASTARD?

*Question: What is a bastard exactly?*

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, "What is a bastard?"

In the photo attached, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

A Syrian Demonstration Gone Very WRONG!

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about reading English. �So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.) slogans printed in English?�Answer:�They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.�Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! �Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!�This picture is not doctored.

a joke for you

a guy goes to the doctor

he has a stalk of celery sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear and a banana protruding from his nose

he says, "what's wrong with me doc?"

doc says, " I'd say you're not eating right"

BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him,

and never say its not quite as good as his mothers



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who will never touch the remote,

doesn't care about football,

and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores.



. . .. then buy a dog!


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,

and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ....



. . ..then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand . . .

If you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness . . .




. . .then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna' say... marry a man, didn't you?