a joke for you

a guy goes to the doctor

he has a stalk of celery sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear and a banana protruding from his nose

he says, "what's wrong with me doc?"

doc says, " I'd say you're not eating right"

A JOKE ~

A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"

The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."

The lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.

The next friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.

The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenant! What are you doing."

"Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays."

"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But we just ride them into town."

BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him,

and never say its not quite as good as his mothers



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...



. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who will never touch the remote,

doesn't care about football,

and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


. . . then buy a dog!


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores.



. . .. then buy a dog!


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,

and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ....



. . ..then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand . . .

If you want someone who will never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness . . .




. . .then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna' say... marry a man, didn't you?

DOG RIDING A BICYCLE..REALLY!!!

German Boy Struck By Meteorite

A 14-year old German boy was hit in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite that scared the bejeezus out of him and left a scar.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," Gerrit Blank said in a newspaper account. Astronomers have analyzed the object and conclude it was indeed a natural object from space, The Telegraph reports.

Most meteors vaporize in the atmosphere, creating "shooting stars," and never reach the ground. The few that do are typically made mostly of metals. Stony space rocks, even if they are big as a car, will usually break apart or explode as they crash through the atmosphere.

There are a handful of reports of homes and cars being struck by meteorites, and many cases of space rocks streaking to the surface and being found later.

But human strikes are rare. There are no known instances of humans being killed by space rocks.

According to a SPACE.com article on the topic a few years, back:
On November 30, 1954, Alabama housewife Ann Hodges was taking a nap on her couch when she was awakened by a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor that crashed through the roof of her house, bounced off a piece of furniture and struck her in the hip, causing a large bruise.
On October 9, 1992, a large fireball was seen streaking over the eastern United States, finally exploding into many pieces. In Peekskill, New York, one of the pieces struck a Chevrolet automobile owned by Michelle Knapp. Knapp was not in the car at the time.
On June 21, 1994, Jose Martin of Spain was driving with his wife near Madrid when a 3-pound (1.4-kilogram) meteor crashed through his windshield, bent the steering wheel and ended up in the back seat.

In 2004, a 2,000-pound space rock bigger than a refrigerator exploded in the late-night sky over Chicago, producing a large flash and a sound resembling a detonation that woke people up. Fragments rained down on that wild Chicago night, and many were collected by residents in a northern suburb.

joke for Thursday

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL I'Il want you to strip naked.When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.' The next night he came home from work and yelled' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!

''What the he!!is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

a Nasty Prank at the Holiday Inn

JUNE 9--A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department, which, as seen below, photographed the aftermath of the June 6 incident. According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an imposter. Since a similar prank call was made to a Holiday Inn in Little Rock, Conway cops alerted fellow Arkansas law enforcement officials that "more of these calls could be coming in," according to the police report. Rusty Brown, the Holiday Inn guest who helped Bergmann follow the prankster's instructions, told TSG he was "an innocent bystander and got involved in domestic terrorism." Bown, 36, remarked that there was "absolute panic in that hotel," adding that, "all I did was make it worse. I'm not proud of breaking windows. It is very disheartening."

joke for Wednesday

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him severaltimes. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)

Joke for Tuesday

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.


Lord, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you, she prayed.
And just like that,her ears fell off.

Strange But True

Naked vandal trashes Seattle church

SEATTLE - Services were moved to the parking lot of a Rainier Beach church after a naked man smashed through a window Saturday, spattering HIV-positive blood inside and leaving a trail of destruction through the house of worship.
Officials believe the 46-year-old suspect was high on PCP during his unholy rampage through the Unity Church of God in Christ - and now the church interior is considered a bio-hazard because of the tainted blood inside.

The bizarre incident left church members in shock, but now they're learning it may be more than just a coincidence - because, as it turns out, the suspect's brother killed himself there on church property on the same Sunday 29 years ago.

A trail of blood spatters, broken glass and other damage show where the naked vandal made his way through the church.
Neighbors say it was about 4 a.m. Saturday when the man hurled his naked body against a window and smashed through.

The jagged, broken glass left cuts all over his body that created a trail of blood spatters and smears throughout the interior of the church.

The pastor, Rev. James Hicks, says church members started cleaning up the mess until they learned that the man is HIV-positive and has hepatitis C - possibly creating a bio-hazard inside the house of worship.

The rampage went from room to room - a picture gallery was torn from the walls, a trophy case was broken open, mirrors were shattered - and blood was smeared on walls, fixtures and furniture.

"Just to see (the pictures) torn up on the floor. It was really, really really devastating to us," says the pastor.

"The thing is that he cut himself, and he had blood all over the trophy case, blood where the mirror was, blood around the doors."

The naked vandal triggered an alarm, and police arrested him outside a short time later. He's now in jail for investigation of burglary.

Volunteers got busy cleaning up until they realized the potential danger. "They said, 'We don't suggest that you do this clean-up,'" Hicks says.

The church scheduled an outdoor service in the parking lot for Sunday morning after they realized they could not use the sanctuary.

"That just knocked the wind out of our sails, cause we knew then we had to do something different," Hicks said.

But church members say they have already forgiven the man, whose brother hung himself from a tree on church property on the first Sunday of June 29 years ago.

"I don't think it's a coincidence, and I believe that my neighbor said he heard him saying, 'I love you, I love you,' and he heard all that tearing up and commotion," explains church member Angelia Hicks-Maxie.

At the outdoor Sunday morning service, the pastor remembered the man in his prayers.

"Oh God, we ask that you look upon the young man who did this - amen. Because our business is forgiveness, yes, Lord."

Church member Billy Williams says, "The Bible says things work together for the good. And we don't understand it but our business is forgiveness and soul-saving, and some strange way God will get the glory out of this."

Now, the reaching out is both ways.

"His brother actually called," says the pastor, "and apologized on behalf of his brother so the forgiveness, the emotions are already starting to the healing can begin."